i woke up early today to meet my boyfriend so we could work on some schoolwork together, and instead of doing what i usually do, which is sitting in my room ruminating and letting the morning slip by unproductively, i decided to go upstairs and spend some time with my mom. she was already at her computer working on her own things, but she made space for me anyway. she turned toward me, asked what i was up to, and genuinely paid attention to what i wanted to share, which always feels like such a gift.
i put tiny desk concerts on the tv because i really love npr and i love the way tiny desk showcases musicians in such an honest and intimate way. there is something about seeing artists stripped of spectacle, just standing in a room full of office clutter, pouring everything they have into their sound, that feels deeply grounding to me. we watched a few sets together, some old favorites and some new ones, and it felt like a soft shared ritual rather than just watching videos.
i really wanted to watch the full set from ssingssing. their performance always amazes me. the sound is this incredible mix of reggae, funk, and something deeply artistic and culturally rooted. their costuming and presentation are so bold and joyful and intentional. i always think the lead singer looks like johnny depp as the mad hatter in alice in wonderland, in the best possible way. watching them feels playful and radical at the same time, like tradition and experimentation dancing together.
we also watched pup, the punk band from ottawa, because i wanted to show my mom that the bassist wears a house of targ t shirt. house of targ is this pinball pierogi restaurant and music venue in our city, and pointing that out felt like sharing a small piece of my world with her. i love those moments where something local and familiar sneaks into art and makes it feel even more alive.
then we watched elisapie, and as always, i cried. her music gives me chills every single time. there is something about her sound that feels so full of lived experience. when i listen to her, i hear everything she has carried in her life, all the work she pours into her art, and all the love she holds for her family, her culture, and her people. it feels like listening to someone offer their whole self honestly and without apology. my mom hugged me when i started crying, and i told her i was not sad. i just feel things so deeply now.
over the last year, i have learned how empathetic my body is. music almost always brings me to tears because i can feel how important it is to the people who make it. i can feel how it holds love for what they are doing or pain for what they are surviving or both at once. music feels like a direct line into someone’s interior life, and i am more open to that than i have ever been before. i have never felt more connected to music than i have in the last two or three years, and that connection feels like both a softening and a strengthening at the same time.
we finished by watching the car seat headrest tiny desk, and then i showed my mom the live performance of bodys as well. i have such a strong connection to that song. a few years ago, my friend and coworker rama and i put on an exhibition of my collages at our workplace, and we titled it bodys after the song. that track has always felt open to many interpretations, which is part of why it means so much to me. at the time, it felt like an expression of living in a body that is different, whether that difference is queer or trans or disabled or simply out of sync with what the world expects. i felt deeply connected to that song, to the album twin fantasy, and to the idea of two bodies learning how to exist alongside each other.
i even have a tattoo of the album art on my arm because it meant that much to me, paired with lyrics from the album that say this is a version of me and you. those words still feel true. they still feel like permission.
this morning felt really peaceful. it felt connected. even when my mom had to go back to focusing on her work and i went downstairs to give her quiet time, knowing i tend to interrupt because i love to talk and i love being near her, the feeling did not disappear. i feel very connected to my mom right now. i feel good. i feel like i am growing. i feel calm and safe. for once, i do not feel like i am bracing myself for the day.
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