these cravings do not promise me anything good

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot more about my cravings, impulses, and the feelings they bring. I’ve been trying to reduce my nicotine use with the plans to quit altogether, and it’s been hard on my body. I often feel embarrassed about these feelings, because they are so intense and disruptive, and because the physical reactions and symptoms only exist because I chose to use this drug. It causes guilt and shame, because it feels pathetic to be so affected by something I have done to myself.

I feel the results of cravings so physically, as well as mentally. I get tightness and a hollow emptiness in my chest. I feel antsy, restless, buzzing energy that needs satiating. Sometimes using nicotine products satiates the energy, but sometimes I still feel hollow. I often respond to these feelings by saying things like “I just need to feel something”. But I am feeling something, just not what I want to feel. I feel cavernous and echoey. I feel raw and irritated. I feel like something is missing.

A few weeks ago, when I wasn’t ready to reduce or quit, I ran out of nicotine juice for my refillable vape and I had what I could describe only as a meltdown. I felt so frustrated that I wasn’t ready to be without, and I immediately panicked knowing how hard it was going to be, and that I didn’t have the capacity at the time to go get more juice, or to find other replacements for my nicotine consumption. It was gutting.

I cried like a baby in my room, I felt deeply disgusted with how this addiction was gripping my life like a fist around my own will. I was inconsolable, and every time I was able to stop crying, the emotional weight of incoming withdrawal triggered me back to tears. I think on some level that was the night I realised this needed to change, and feeding this addiction was no longer sustainable, if it ever had been.

If these cravings had a voice I wonder what they would tell me. What are they actually saying underneath the surface wants? I think this addiction is the last tie back to when things were so bad for me, when I felt I had no control over my life. Nicotine is a force that is stronger than my self control at times, I’m willing to admit. I am sure that if my cravings could talk, they would be saying things to me about staying in my old habits, my old rituals, countering growth and progress I have tried so hard to make for myself.

Ultimately these cravings promise me comfort, and comfort is not always good for me. I think a lot of people, including myself at times, have a hard go of understanding that we need to be in uncomfortable situations at times. I know that many people cannot distinguish being uncomfortable from being unsafe. We all need to challenge our ability to sit in discomfort to grow. We all have to do things that are hard, that challenge us, that make us think about how we behave and conduct ourselves through our personal lives, our communities, and the world.

I started a program recently that helps queer people in Canada reduce or quit using nicotine products like cigarettes and vaping. I’ve been really excited about it. It’s called Smoke Break. I met with my peer support worker for the program last week for the first time, and we get 11 more sessions to progress through my quitting journey. I have a lot of hope for it. I think what’s really helpful for me is just knowing that this service exists and it’s accessible to me. It’s remote, so we meet on Zoom, and we are able to receive up to $400 dollars of free nicotine replacement therapy products.

My worker, lonnes, is sending me an essential oil inhaler called a Füm, nicotine gum, and a nicotine spray inhaler. They all arrive tomorrow in the mail. I feel so good about these things. I have so much hope that nicotine will not control my life by the time I’m done with the program. There’s even a group support meeting for other people taking the program to meet on Zoom and discuss our experiences. It being a queer focused resource is also really comforting to me, knowing that I can talk about these things with other queer people who don’t want to suffer through this addiction, especially because queer people struggle with addiction and nicotine use more than straight and cisgender people.

A lot of my friends (who are mostly also queer) are nicotine users, whether cigarettes or vaping, and it’s hard when you’re in these spaces and feel drawn to smoke or hit a vape because all of your friends are doing it. That’s why I’m so excited about this group support and Smoke Break in general. I wish more free and accessible resources like this existed. For now, I’m really happy to be able to access this one. Knowing that I’m trying and progressing, slowly but surely, is helpful above it all. The cravings are hard, but my body will soon know this is good for me.